Who doesn’t want to be a SUCCESS? Who doesn’t want to SUCCEED? SUCCESS is a word loaded with meaning. Its meaning has been largely twisted by the media and the constant parade of e-mail blasts that promise people they can become millionaires in a few weeks and SUCCEED at anything they set their mind to.

Here is the interesting thing: Human beings are wired for SUCCESS since the time when consciousness emerges as the elementary awareness of the potential to achieve results. Have you ever watched a little child attempting to climb up a chair? Or trying to walk after crawling for many months? There is a determination and an insatiable drive to SUCCEED. We are all like that!

So what happens to these same people years later, though? They simply loose their drive. They find themselves stuck in a rut.

There has been a lot of talk in the last couple of years about “The Secret” which has led to a great discussion about SUCCESS in general. Thousands of people have read the work by Rhonda Byrne and they experience a sparkle of their old primal SUCCESS driven nature from childhood. “You mean to tell me I can be SUCCESFUL?” they seem to be muttering under their breath. It’s a sparkle of hope. Like a dream that they are familiar with.

People often don’t realize that “The Secret” was just meant as an introduction to the “Law of Attraction” and as such left out a lot of information. Many people are trying to fill in that gap and most of them are UNSUCCESSFUL.

SUCCESS is a tricky word, but if we can peel away the cultural meaning of the word and understand its real meaning we could better understand the true meaning of success. The true meaning of SUCCESS is about making your life matter. Think of it: SUCCESS comes from the word SUCCEED, right? SUCCESS originally was meant to symbol what left behind as a legacy. SUCCESS means you have made an impact and have influenced your world.

I know this seems radically different than the SUCCESS you hear about everywhere else, but this type of SUCCESS is the type of SUCCESS that can’t be lost. Once you are truly SUCCESSFUL you will find happiness and fulfillment that you have never known. The popular version of SUCCESS leaves you chasing it for your entire life hoping to stay SUCCESSFUL, but always on the verge of losing it. True SUCCESS can’t be lost after it has been accomplished and leaves everyone, including you, better because of it.

So HOW can YOU be TRULY SUCCESSFUL?

Here are the principles that will make you SUCCESFUL. I use them in my own life and share them with people I coach. These principles apply to SUCCESS in:

· Marriage

· Parenting and family

· Recovering from the pain of divorce or a tragic loss

· Business

· Your professional life

· Studies or pursue of your career goals

· Relationships

· Your life purpose

HERE THEY ARE: the true secrets of success

1. Learn to manage the imperfection of LIFE.

No one, absolutely no one SUCCEEDS without learning to manage the imperfection of LIFE. There is very little talk about this principle in the SUCCESS circles. Human imperfection is our biggest challenge in life. No matter what you do you, will always face imperfection. I have watched people save thousands of dollars for years and lose a child to drugs… and then? I have watched others try their best at their profession and then they lose a spouse to a divorce… and then? I have watched people be great at something and forget that human imperfection is a part of life. THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF SUCCESS THAT NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IS LEARNING TO MANAGE IMPERFECTION!

There are three principles that will help you to harness the imperfection of life as your platform for SUCCESS.

a) Assume responsibility for your life. Accept your reality.

THIS IS THE MOST POWERFUL STEP YOU CAN TAKE TO BEGIN TO ACCEPT YOUR IMPERFECTION. Assume responsibility for your LIFE. It doesn’t mean someone didn’t hurt you. You are just not letting that person keep you down. You are saying to yourself… “It doesn’t matter what happened to me, I will get up and do something about this mess!”

Never complain, or blame anything or anyone. Every time you complain or blame anyone for your misfortune you are calling yourself a VICTIM. That’s right! You are actually saying that you are helpless, and are incapable to do anything about your situation.

People can CHANGE! You can CHANGE! Your brain is not hardwired, it has plasticity. Neuroplasticians are now telling us about the amazing plasticity of the brain by sharing fascinating pieces of research coming out of neurological labs. The new paradigm of brain mapping simply indicates that people can CHANGE more than we ever thought before! That is good news indeed!

b) Accept the imperfection of life as NORMAL in this realm

How is life imperfect? Look at what’s happening around you… accidents, people hurting you, misfortune, bad luck, your own inabilities, your own limitations. IMPERFECTION IS NORMAL in this world of ours. What? Wow! This is the toughest one. Perfectionism is one of the greatest enemies of SUCCESS! Perfectionism is a myth, a bubble, a theory, but not a reality! It seems to contradict everything we say about SUCCESS. LIFE IS IMPERFECT. Once you assume responsibility for your life, THE SECOND STEP IS TO LOOK AT LIFE WITH REALISTIC EYES. Yes, some people will become millionaires, but most will not! Yes, some people will live to be 101, but most will not! Yes, we hope our marriages will last 70 years, but imperfect people make stupid moves. What’s going to keep you down when something imperfect happens to you? Hear me out… THE ONLY THING THAT WILL KEEP YOU DOWN IS YOUR DREAMS ABOUT THE PERFECT LIFE WHICH YOU DON’T HAVE! SUCCESS begins with a realistic picture of LIFE!

c) Look at yourself as the captain of imperfection.

Here is the third step in accepting imperfection. ACTION!

You have the greatest power available in the universe: THE POWER OF CHOICE. Not even God can do anything about that one. You have a CHOICE. When something good happens to you, you have a choice. When something bad happens to you, you have a choice. CHOOSE to ACT and you will begin an immediate process of transformation!

2. Plan your destination

You probably think you already know who you are, but do you know what you really want to achieve in life. Most people don’t know what they really want. Likewise, most people couldn’t tell you all their strengths and weaknesses. Life happens to them, and they’re so busy coping with it that they never really sit down and ask themselves what they really want, and what personal resources they can utilize in order to get it. If you don’t know what you want, it will be pretty difficult for you to achieve it. To achieve anything, you must have a clear goal. If you don’t know where you are going, you probably won’t arrive, and even if you do you won’t know it. Have you ever seen a treadmill at a gym? Will you ever arrive to a geographical destination by walking ten miles on a treadmill? The answer is obvious. Are you on a treadmill? Where is your life headed?

3. See yourself in the frame of God’s power and presence in the universe

THE THIRD KEY TO SUCCESS IS SPIRITUALIYTY. Anything beyond primal biology has to do with the realm of the spiritual.

The single biggest thing that prevents people from being successful is FEAR and fear is always a spiritual disease. Would you be afraid to fail if someone really successful would coach you and give you a 100% guaranteed success in your endeavor? What if your coach for finances would be Warren Buffet? Or your coach for technology and computer would be a Bill Gates? Or your basketball coach would be Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryan? What if your coach for LIFE would be God himself?

Spirituality is a frame of mind. Once you accept spirituality as your third key to SUCCESS you find yourself driven by amazing spiritual forces. THE FRAMING OF YOUR LIFE IS KEY TO SUCCESS. If your frame is fame you may achieve success or not. Why is that? Because you defined success as fame. If your frame is wealth, you may get it or not. Does it matter? Your frame defines your SUCCESS. Whatever your frame for life is, that is what is going to define your success. If you frame your life with the greater purpose of God for you, you will ALWAYS SUCCEED. God doesn’t only tell you HOW to succeed, but has ALL THE RESOURCES available to help you succeed and hear this one… HE WILL NEVER COMPARE YOU TO ANYONE ELSE. YOUR SUCCESS IS YOUR ONLY KIND OF SUCCESS! I love this one!

4. Take action.

THE FOURTH KEY IN CREATING SUCCESS IS ACTION. I could talk about this for a long time. ACTION is one the major component of a successful life. Let me say this: SUCCESFUL PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE OF ACTION. Not just action for action’s sake! RIGHT ACTION, not stupid action. PUPORSE DRIVEN ACTION not action to protect yourself. You understand what I am talking about. Many people decide on a goal and then research it and try to find out everything that could possibly happen if they start trying to achieve it. They spend so much time researching that by the time they are ready to do something, the window of opportunity has already passed by. A much better plan is to get as ready as you can in as short a time as possible, plan a strategy, take action, and have faith that you can correct along the way as needed. Just get started with whatever you’ve got from wherever you are. If my son Harold and I would have waited to have all the wrinkles of THE LIFE ZONE ironed out, we would still be waiting. We made a decision, we planned our strategy, we moved into action and we trusted ourselves to make corrections along the way. And there have been lots of corrections and changes since we started. NO SUCCESS ever takes place without FAILURES, and FAILURE NEVER HAPPENS WITHOUT ACTION! Got it?

5. Create successful relationships.

THE FIFTH KEY TO SUCCESS IS RELATIONSHIPS. By relationships I mean your family, your spouse, your marriage, your immediate community, good friendships. The first thing you want to do is to eliminate negativity. Yes, compassionately and kindly ELIMINATE negative, toxic, complaining people from your life as much as possible. If you contact me at www.lifezonelive.com I will be glad to share with you a grid I use to prioritize my own relationships. Some relationships are key to my SUCCESS. Others are not. And others are negative. You want to spend your time around successful supportive people, so that you can learn from them, and also be motivated by them. Since you can’t learn from someone you don’t like, you need to practice admiring successful people instead of being jealous and resentful of them. You don’t want to bring them down to your level; you want to bring yourself up to their level. Try to create a way to get together with successful people and maybe become personal friends with them. Sometimes it is true: “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know”.

FOLLOW THESE FIVE STEPS AND YOU WILL REACH TRUE SUCCESS!

These situations can include:

• A marriage that’s facing major problems, and perhaps one or both partners are considering divorce
• Dating without results
• Dating which has become a parade of sexual partners
• A current or recent divorce
• Lack motivation and purpose
• The toxicity of one’s family of origin still controls every decision
• A major economic problems because of a lost job
• Financial debt that’s beyond control
• A career challenge, such as a promotion that went to someone else
• Feeling stuck in a pattern or bad situation

One of the things that creates SUCCESS in any endeavor of LIFE, including the examples cited, is a clear distinction between STRATEGIES and TACTICS.

The internet and the bookstores are packed with information about HOW TO MAKE ANYTHING WORK! There are formulas for literally anything you can imagine; more than 200 diets to lose weight and how-to books on becoming a millionaire or succeeding at anything you choose. The list is almost unlimited, and the variety of self-help choices suggest that by making the right choice of a mentor you can find the steps, the keys, the secrets to that one thing you need and boom…. you’ve got it!

Even though millions of dollars are made by these enterprises, I doubt that the results are measurable and lasting for most people. I meet many people who are empty and very disappointed because a quick formula didn’t work for them.

Why don’t these quick fixes work? Because STRATEGIES without TACTICS don’t produce results, and TACTICS without STRATEGIES don’t produce lasting results.

What is a strategy? A strategy is the WHERE YOU WANT TO GO. What do you want to get at the end of the road? What do you want the results to be? Small strategies produce small results. Big strategies produce big results.

What is a tactic? A tactic is an ACTION STEP that helps you to accomplish your strategy. A tactic enables your destination. Tactics are like a car. The car is useless if you don’t know where you’re going. Good, positive, massive, powerful tactics give you good results. Weak, small, irrelevant tactics give you small results.

Let’s talk practical applications. Your strategy is to loose weight. Your tactic is a diet. But remember that small strategies produce small results. So, you follow a diet and you lose some weight. That’s a good start. Then you decide you want bigger results. What do you do next? You must get tougher on the strategy end of the proposition, so you establish a timeline that specifically dates the day you begin, the date by which you will accomplish your goal, and then how many pounds you want to lose. Now you have a bigger strategy, and you’ll need to better monitor your tactics or action steps to accomplish your goal. You’ll have to THINK about your tactics, and in the end you get bigger results.

Such tactics are like an investment: the more you put into the project the more you get out of it. So your tactics are working, you’ve become good at getting in shape and decide to set a strategy to become truly HEALTHY. This is a completely different strategy from losing weight. Your strategy now will reach a much bigger goal and greater results, so you’ll have to be very specific with your strategy. This may include not only food but the quality of your food, sleeping patterns, caffeine intake, exercise program, mental health, relationships, time outdoors versus being in the office all day, and everything else that affects your health. Now we’re dealing with a huge strategy, so your tactics will have to be careful, intentional and filled with measurable content, and to implement these tactics you’ll need to develop new disciplines, new behaviors and a new mindset. Most likely you’ll need a coach when you make a decision like this.

The same tactics apply to LIFE. People with poor life strategies move like they’re walking on a treadmill, going with the flow. They use very few tactics. In fact, most people don’t want to bother with strategies or tactics for LIFE. The same is true of marriage. You can follow tactics when the “house” is falling apart, but that won’t amount to much when the storm hits. You can have a strategy to save your marriage, but if your strategy is not big enough and your tactics are not smart, your “house” will collapse. The same applies to parenting, dating or any of the other issues listed previously.

Coaching is the best way to obtain results in dealing with the big issues of life. A third party can help you see what you can’t see from the inside. A coach can hold you accountable in a way you can’t do by yourself. A coach is different from a counselor or a psychotherapist because a coach is in the FIELD of LIFE with you and makes sure there are ACTION steps to get results. A LIFE coach will rarely be interested in digging up your psyche to find out about your past life. A LIFE coach is about results and you reaching your BEST LIFE EVER. A LIFE coach wants to see you turning your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and your scars into stars.

I’m a LIFE coach because I believe LIFE often amounts to managing imperfection with the strategies and tactics which will give you the best results. Managing imperfection to reach magnificent results is an investment of time and money you must make to avoid damaging your sense of wholeness and the well-being of those around you. LIFE without tactics is chaotic and frustrating; LIFE with strategies and tactics is purposeful and rewarding.

The LIFEzone is the place where strategies and tactics produce real results for YOUR BEST LIFE EVER!

Marsha Garces Williams filed a petition for dissolution of marriage on March 21 in San Francisco Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences. The two met when Garces Williams worked as a nanny for Williams’ son Zachary, whom he had with his previous wife, Valerie Valardi.

Such a story is disappointing, but hardly surprising. Sometimes it feels as though the institution of marriage is dying in America, and I wouldn’t be surprised if kids today have absolutely no confidence in it because they’re immersed in divorce. Sadly, we can’t even point to our churches for an alternative vision, because the rhetoric is empty, and the theological implications aren’t daunting. Religion simply doesn’t prevent divorce. As one divorce recovery expert put it, “pain trumps theology.” This is a fact.

It’s easy to look at Robin Williams and think, “Of course he’s divorcing again, he’s a celebrity.” Except that nearly 50% of first marriages are dissolving in our country, just as Williams’ first marriage did, and nearly 70% of second marriages are ending in divorce, just as his second marriage did. One million kids every year are hit by the pain of parents that decide to put their “happiness” and “freedom” above that of their kids, family, friends, spouses, and the stability of our society. Seven out of ten marriages are filed by women across America, and 75% percent of divorced male fathers loose their kids to custody battles. This means that 75% percent of “divorce kids” grow up without a meaningful male figure in their lives and the “new luxury” of having two parents at home. What a disheartening and unbelievable cultural trend!

We can take divorce as a sociological problem and study it analytically by statistical reports. We can look at it from the psychological perspective and decide that men and women are simply “screwed up.” But my take after many years of research and listening to people going through the pain of divorce is that DIVORCE IS THE SYMPTOM OF A DEEPER PROBLEM.

I’m not a religious person and the LIFE ZONE is not a religious movement. Our workshops, conferences and seminars are not religious events. But we have come to believe that DIVORCE is a symptom of a profound, deep, spiritual dimension, a symptom of the state of the human heart.

People only stay together and connected on the basis of LOVE. We may have a difficult time defining love. But the foundation for community, family and marriage is still LOVE. The problem very often arises when we define LOVE. Statements such as “I don’t love her any longer,” are confusing at best. Since when was LOVE supposed to be all about feelings and emotions? Doesn’t love begin as a feeling and progressively becomes more and more an act of the WILL? It’s always been that way! Couples who have been married for 50 or 60 years don’t stay married because they “feel in love” the way they did when they first met and got married; they stay married because of a promise and a commitment.

Imagine if mothers only love babies when they’re clean, fed and well-behaved. We know what LOVE means in the parenting department, but then why do we define it differently for marriage? We know what it means when a soldier goes to war and he says, “I do it because I LOVE my country.” It means he made a commitment of WILL, and he will follow through with it. Why the inconsistency when it comes to marriage?

LOVE is the emotional ability and the WILL to connect with people in meaningful ways based on commitment and character, not just feelings! LOVE is a feeling, of course, but more than anything else LOVE remains an act of the WILL.

Truthfully divorce happens when one spouse or both say: “I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE OR I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO ALLOW YOU TO LOVE ME ANYMORE.” Simple enough! All the cliché statements we hear like “I no longer have feelings for her” and “She hurt me too much and I lost it all,” are cosmetic statements to express one reality: “FOR WHATEVER REASON, I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO LOVE THIS PERSON ANY LONGER AND I DON’T CARE TO OPEN UP TO BE LOVED BY THAT PERSON, EITHER.” It’s the ultimate act of total self-containment.

Thus, there are three conditions that precede a divorce:

1. There has to be a CHOICE not to love or be loved any longer.

Love is a CHOICE. Divorce is a choice not to love or allow to be loved any longer. Love may start as a feeling but it’s always and ultimately a CHOICE. True love puts others first over our needs for well being, happiness, freedom and self-fulfillment. Love is true love when the crisis and the tests of life put a relationship at risk. Love happens when your child inconveniences you beyond your natural patience and you choose to put that kid first in your commitment anyway. LOVE IS THE OPPOSITE OF CONVENIENCE! Everything in our culture is about convenience. There isn’t much encouragement to follow any higher principle than convenience!

2. LOVE as a spiritual force for renewal must cease to be.

Love may start as a feeling, but at the end LOVE is a spiritual force. Love is more than hormones and physical realities. When we fail to see that vision of LOVE we’ve fallen into the biggest trap! When Jesus spoke of divorce he said that the root of divorce is “the hardness of the heart” (Matthew 19:1-8) Simply put, he said “Divorce should not happen except when people are not willing to forgive and keep their hearts open.” Divorce is the result of a human CHOICE. Forgiveness is a function of spirituality. The deepest crisis of a marriage can become the gate to forgive, change, love and be loved. People who don’t believe people can change don’t see the need to forgive or be forgiven.

3. LOVE as a principle that puts other’s interests first must cease to be!

There’s no way around it: The opposite of love is selfishness, self-interest, convenience, and a need to soothe our own personal pain!

I like the following because it describes TRUE LOVE:

“Love never gives up,
Love cares more for others than self,
Love doesn’t have what it doesn’t have,
Love doesn’t strut,
Love doesn’t have a swelled head,
Love doesn’t force itself on others,
Love isn’t always “me first,”
Love doesn’t fly off the handle,
Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Love doesn’t revel when other grovel,
Love takes pleasure in the flowering of the truth,
Love puts up with anything,
Love trusts God always,
Love looks for the best,
Love never looks back,
Love keeps going to the end,
Love never dies.”

[The Message, Eugene Peterson, NavPress, 2002, p. 2085]

There are two forces in the universe: LOVE and FEAR.

LOVE as a CHOICE is the most powerful force in the universe.

LOVE brings people together; FEAR makes them fight and run from each other. LOVE deals with the promise made and the frustrations of a long-term relationship; FEAR makes people run away to what “feels” and “looks” safe. LOVE is creative and refreshingly dynamic; FEAR cares only for the gratification of the moment. LOVE faces pain and difficulties with positive actions; FEAR wears the mask of convenience and personal comfort.

Divorce is a symptom of a much deeper problem than what psychologists and attorneys are hearing every day. It’s a symptom of a heart that has lost its ability to CHOOSE LOVE, has lost its spiritual component and has lost the character to put others first.

I can’t analyze why a celebrity is divorcing for the second time because I don’t know him or his spouse. I can’t say for certain what will happen to either of them or their two children in the future, either. But I know what the statistics say is probable, and those statistics leave little reason for me to be optimistic for them, or for the state of marriage in general.

If you’re on the verge of considering divorce, think twice. Share this article with someone who’s considering divorce. Even if you’re already divorced, it’s not too late to be honest and declare that divorce is not the answer to marriage and family problems. Most people and children carry the scars of divorce for life!

Maybe your influence could spare others, including your kids, from walking into the trap of believing that marriage is about happiness; that marriage is about convenience; that marriage is for those who are “in love.” Our culture needs people that are willing to take a stand and stop the vicious trend of casual divorce.

WHAT ARE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS?

I want you to think of emotions as ENERGY. That’s what they are! The emotions (energy) can be positive or negative.

Here is one principle I want you to understand and carry with you as you deal with your daily interactions with people and yourself:

POSITIVE ENERGY is nearly the same as NEGATIVE ENERGY (emotions). Both are just focused in different directions. Got it? The “car” is the same, except you can go south or north. If you go north you will end up in San Francisco, if you go south you will end up in San Diego.

HOW DO POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE ENERGY WORK?

Going back to the example of the car. The “car” is energy. If you are going north and you realize that’s not where you want to go (negative energy) don’t fight it! Instead, turn around and go south! I know it almost sounds like I am insulting your intelligence! But that’s the way it works!

Let me get practical here.

If you are experiencing frustration and you are able to strip away the circumstances that caused the frustration, the RAW ENERGY of frustration feels a lot like enthusiasm. Think about it: frustration and enthusiasm are the same energy (car) going in two different directions, negative which is frustration (north) or positive which is enthusiasm (south).

If you are experiencing intense feelings of anger/hostility and you are able to strip away the circumstances that caused the feelings of anger/hostility the RAW ENERGY feels a lot like passionate love. Have you heard of angry couples that make love like crazy after a very bad fight? Why is that? The same energy can go in two different directions (north or south); negative or positive. Passion can serve the purpose of destruction or intense bonding. By the way, love making after a fight is a bad idea if one or both spouses are into denial and not resolving conflict. Great idea, if they are good at conflict resolution!

Let me give you one more example. The feeling of determination for something positive could turn into calculated cruelty and incredibly manipulative behavior, which is negative energy.

For everything that you feel the urge to oppose, there is something else that you can support. Each instance of negative/destructive energy has a positive counterpart.

Here is my point, when you’re feeling negative, you’re actually quite close to feeling positive. Let me help you imagine this picture so you will understand the next step. The moment you are able to identify negative energy and toxicity in yourself, remember, (see it with your mind) you are just one step away from experiencing positive and healing energy! Have you ever dealt with negative and toxic people? Well, those same people are one step away from to being incredibly positive, affirming, loving and encouraging. Imagine all the negative energy you can experience or observe in others re-directed towards something positive.

WHAT’S THE KEY TO SWITCHING NEGATIVE INTO POSITIVE?

There are two simple steps:

1. CHOICE

Of course you have come to expect that answer from me. Choice is about character and character is all about choice.

The best way to DEAL with negative energy is not to fight against it but instead, CHOOSE to make positive use of that energy by redirecting it. No one can choose for you. That is your unique privilege. CHOICE is your ultimate right. Blaming, lying, excusing, justifying, explaining or reacting is just a symptom that shows you are not willing to CHOOSE and assume responsibility for harnessing your RAW ENERGY. It is very sad and even painful, to observe someone experiencing so much negative energy while knowing that the same person is so close to being a magnificent force for good. Some of the bitterest people I have dealt with are those who are just one inch from being the most loving people. Just one inch! The worst marital conflicts that often end up in divorce and wounded children were just one inch away from turning into magnificent marriages! What a waste! Personal choice is the one switch that makes a world of difference.

2. IS CHOOSING ENOUGH?

Some clients have told me: “Well, I made the choice to be positive instead of negative and nothing happens!” Good point! Right after you CHOOSE to change the direction of your RAW ENERGY from negative to positive you must now REPLACE the negative fuel that fed the negative energy or emotion with positive fuel.

Think of it this way. Negative energy is fueled by negative thoughts in your brain. Positive energy is fueled by positive thoughts.

The law of replacement works this way. Your brain will never be empty. Your brain will never be on neutral. There will always be something replacing something. Even your “dream” system is meant to fuel your energy. Did you ever have a bad dream and you were filled with negative energy all day long? Did you experience the same with a happy dream? Have you ever finished a conversation with a negative person that doesn’t allow you to resolve a conflict and you end up with negative energy? Have you ever had a dialogue with a positive person that affirms you and you feel totally positive at the end of the conversation? Fuel is anything that enters your brain or emotional system. Fuel will produce energy!
But you see, you are always in control of what enters your brain and emotional system. Even when you face a negative person you can choose to fuel your brain with positive thoughts. That is the role of healthy spirituality.

If you have chosen to turn your negative emotions into positive energy you must immediately fill your brain with positive thoughts. YOU MUST REPLACE NEGATIVE FUEL (Negative thoughts) WITH POSITIVE FUEL (Positive thoughts). There is no way around it!

Just make the choice to focus the intensity of your feelings on what you value and appreciate, rather than on what you don’t want. REPLACE hate with love. REPLACE unloving actions with thoughts of affirmation. REPLACE hostility with forgiveness. REPLACE the raw anger and bitterness you experience with thoughts of God and His grace. REPLACE fear with trust. REPLACE frustration with calmness. REPLACE victimization with personal responsibility. REPLACE negative feelings by going into nature or going to the gym. REPLACE selfishness with time spent with someone that needs help. REPLACE hostility with meditation and reflection.

No matter what is coming your way, you can redirect the power of your life in a positive direction. Remember what you’re in favor of, and put your life into it. As long as you keep looking at what you don’t want, that’s exactly what you will get! Apply this to marriage, divorce, parenting, work situations, family tensions.

Let me finish by sharing with you what works for me. When I find myself driven by negative energy I CHOOSE to change the direction of my energy by figuring out my REPLACEMENT strategy immediately. It has become like an instantaneous shift. When I feel negative I connect with God a lot. He is my spiritual bluetooth! It works! It’s amazing what parking the car for 10 minutes does when I decide I need to chat with God. When I experience negative feelings I call my kids to see how they are doing. It’s amazing how much they love me. Very often by listening to them my own negative stuff is replaced with feelings of positive affirmation! I use lots of imagery to deal with negativity. What would happen if I could love this person instead of holding grudges or hating him? What would happen if I would give this pressing situation to God? What would happen if I tell God about my financial pressure or emotional tension instead of driving someone else crazy? What would happen if instead of complaining about a situation I choose to become an agent of change and affirmation? I can describe hundreds of scenarios like these. I discipline myself to choose what I am in favor of, instead of “bitching” about what I am opposed to! Negative energy is toxic to the body, the mind and the people of your universe.

Friend, I am excited about this, because it WORKS! I wanted to pass it on to you.

We have been conditioned by our culture to believe that the things that matter in life are those we feel passionate about, those things we truly believe in. The entire marketing industry has uses that cultural instinct to reach us. We make purchases based on our feelings, we get involved with people because of our feelings, we make life choices based on feelings, we even go to church based on feelings. Life one hundred years ago was built around duty and responsibility. Now it’s all about feelings, and what feels good rules!

The dark side of a life built around feelings is that when the feelings, the passion or the instinctive belief system is damaged or destroyed, we feel justified in moving on. It’s a cultural disorder, and viewed objectively it’s both surprising and alarming. This disorder has affected every area of life, from school and jobs to relationships, careers, professions, business… It’s endless.

I was talking to the director at a huge corporation in Los Angeles two weeks ago. He told me about one employee on which the company had bestowed a great deal of special treatment to get him trained in a particular skill area. They coped for a year with this employee’s bad temper, his undisciplined manners; they spent a great deal of time and money and gave him preferential treatment because he convinced them he was extraordinarily valuable to the company. Then, two weeks ago he walked into the office and told his manager he didn’t feel like working there anymore, and he left. My friend was shocked.

But how could he be shocked? Not only were the employee’s motives based on his instinctive “what’s best for me” values, but the company had also instinctively rated him as worth the extra effort. His belief system wasn’t based on anything other than feelings that mattered to him, and their belief system wasn’t based on anything more substantial.

The statistics on divorce, which holds steady at approximately 50% of all marriages, also show that nearly 75% of second marriages end in divorce. There are myriad reasons why couples split, but one we all certainly see is the one “explained” with the statement “I don’t feel like being married anymore.”

Not everyone thinks this way, of course. I’ve talked to people who have been married for 50 years, and I’ve talked to businessmen who have owned their business for 40 years. I seldom hear these folks talk about “feelings.”

There’s an overarching principle of life that supersedes the impulses of the “feeling” movement. It’s the ancient wisdom of the Old Testament in the Bible. Obey first, then you will understand. Act, and then you will feel. Set a purpose, then let the reward comes in its own time.

Part of the surge of the “feeling” movement is the notion that only you know what’s best for you. What undermines this premise is how many people presume to act selfishly but instead hurt themselves in the process. They make impulsive, selfish decisions that ultimately leave them angry, hurt and depressed. In the meantime, there is a trail of damaged people in their wake. The irony is that in acting on “feelings” rather than established morals and ethics, they’ve left themselves feeling bad. Those boring old rules of behavior may preclude impulsive, “feeling-based” choices, but they often leave us happier than we’d be if we reacted selfishly.

So I do see the value of “faking it ‘til you make it.” Following the rules, those based on having a high regard for ethics, morals and consideration of others –behaving the way you’re supposed to behave rather than acting on your “feelings”- will generally make you and everyone around you happier.

Apply these principles to marriage. One spouse is amorous, passionate, romantic and all into the “love” thing. The other spouse is pragmatic, structured, borderline boring and self-consumed. How does “fake it ‘till you make it” work in this scenario? The same way it worked 100 years ago. You make a promise and you stick with it. Stick with it and make it work! Whoever told you can break promises just because you “feel” like it? Are there reasons why a divorce is justifiable? Of course! But 50% of the time? No!

Research proves that most divorces are not justifiable but rather capricious and impulsive. Most people who dissolve their marriages because of “feelings” end up in equally unhappy subsequent relationships. The statistics bear this out. In each case, they hurt those around them in the quest to make choices that are intended only to serve themselves.

Apply this principle to work, a profession, a job, school and it works the same way. If your “feelings” are definitely pointing you in a different direction, test your feelings, seek advice and find out if they’re valid. Feelings have never meant to be directional in life, but rather informative. I always tell the people I coach, “Listen to your feelings, but filter them through reason, wisdom and common sense. Validate your feelings by thinking. Disable them by thinking if they are negative.”

So, yes, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it! What happens is that while you’re faking it you’re creating important disciplines for your life. My four kids have asked me the same question at different points during their growing years: “Why do I have to learn this or that? It’s so irrelevant? When am I going to use it?” Here is what I tell them: “Learn it as if your life depends on it. If you never use it, you’ll still develop your brain and the disciplines to be a good person in all the areas of your life.”

Simple, isn’t it?

Each interest group has an interpretation of Mr. Spitzer’s downfall, which sometimes makes it difficult to extract a clear lesson from the tragedy. I believe there are lessons each of us can learn from this tragedy for our own personal journey.

The first lesson which is experienced by humans in general, men and women of power and prestige in particular:

1. We all get caught soon or later.

Some people get caught in the act, Spitzer-style, while others get caught in the silence of their consciences and souls, and suffer the spiritual torture of guilt and loss of self-esteem. I don’t believe anyone walks through this life without getting caught one way or another. God created us with a spiritual compass! We’re meant to surrender and find inner peace, or continue our illicit ways and either get caught or suffer spiritually and emotionally.

Getting caught in public is embarrassing and certainly feeds the media frenzy and the minds of those who salivate over human calamity. Particularly, if it’s someone identified as an enemy or represented by his or her self-righteousness and pride. I don’t believe the myth that virtuous people willingly reveal themselves to the public; it’s always the sense of inner culpability, a sense of rejection, or the embarrassment of getting caught that pressures someone to acknowledge guilt. That’s human nature.

2. Character is deeper than the dark actions that define a person at the moment of the fall.

To define someone’s character by a momentary behavior is misleading. I have always believed that character is best displayed when a person is caught, faces a momentary, or a long term crisis. Mr. Spitzer has demonstrated character in his public presentation for the last 48 hours. He resigned! He apologized! He spoke of the standards he believed in and knowingly violated. Whether he did it because the polls showed that he wouldn’t survive politically, or for personal reasons, he still had the fortitude to accept public responsibility.

Let’s suppose that he’s genuine and his wife decides to leave him… that would be another test of his character. Dealing with the consequences of one’s behavior is one of the best windows into a person’s character. I believe that the nature of Mr. Spitzer’s character will be displayed in the next few weeks and months as he deals with the consequences of his behavior.

I know people who pride themselves in having a “flawless” character because they’ve never been publicly exposed for illicit or illegal activity. There’s a difference between being “legal” and having character, and this is a distinction that many ignore.

I know people whose lives are stained by bad behavior and illegal activity, but they acknowledged their wrong ways, changed and today they display an exemplary public character. I’ve met some of these people in jails and in criminal proceedings. Character is not always about behavior. It’s always about the deeper issues of the heart!

3. We worship passionate people–we despise passionate people.

Passionate people can be very critical, very zealous, very exacting. Passionate people display an air of success that makes us feel good. Passionate people earn themselves hate and love, admiration and betrayal. That’s the history of leadership and humanity. Passionate people often struggle with a darkness that the common person doesn’t understand. We’ve seen it recently in the world of sports. The very people we idolize and patronize are the ones doing whatever it takes to keep up with our expectations. The Roger Clemens of our culture do what they do, to keep up with the demands of their owners and the cheering crowd on the bleachers. Then we vilify them for doing what’s illegal.

Passion often carries a price in the form of sacrifice, intense spiritual and emotional struggles, or attempting to stay on top by keeping up with the demands of the crowd.

We should praise honest and passionate leaders and be sensitive to their struggles; we should also temper our expectations of them; they’re mortal, after all. Lastly, we should resist the temptation to mock their failings, for many of us know, There but for the grace of God go I.

4. Power tends to corrupt people.

The more influence and power a person has the more that person is in danger of falling. “Pride comes before the fall” says the Bible. In this particular case, Mr.Spitzer evidently acted as though he were above the law. There are many manifestations of the ways in which power corrupts, not just in sex and financial scandals, though those are the ones we find most intriguing. Sad commentary on the state of our culture!

Power corrupts leaders in many other ways. Power makes a leader insensitive to the needs of their constituents. Power creates a mindset of superiority and grandiosity. Power can pursue evil agendas under the premise of doing good. Power can give a leader the option to display his or her darkest side while finding justification for doing so. It’s only speculation, but Mr. Spitzer’s almost obsessive behavior in enforcing the law as an attorney may mirror a conscience that never found peace. Thus he was actually two people in one: a crusading prosecutor and lawmaker and a deeply guilty man who used his power to vicariously admonish his own conscience by punishing others. That duality of character, that flaw, is what usually drives self-righteousness. Power is often the nurturing soil of self-righteousness.

5. Marriage is a relationship that can save us from living a double life.

The fact that Mr. Spitzer had incredible confidence in his wife’s judgment about the cases he tried as Attorney General should give us a glimpse into one of the aspects of their relationship. What else really happened in the privacy of their relationship? We don’t know. I do know from observing hundreds of marriages, that spouses, especially women, have tremendous power to stop toxic behavior in their spouse if their relationship is a sound one.

I certainly don’t believe Mrs. Spitzer should be blamed for her husband’s behavior. We don’t have enough information to make such an assertion. Unfortunately, Dr. Laura’s comments on the “Today Show” were meant to be a generalization of why most men cheat on their wives and the media took her statement as a direct application to Mrs. Spitzer.

The Spitzer’s experience should help all married couples to make a commitment to look out for each other. Many in our American culture, in the noble quest of “I didn’t marry to change you!” have stepped into an irresponsible marital mode. A husband and a wife should monitor each other’s behaviors. Isn’t that part of caring and loving? That’s what my Dad taught me when I was a kid! Couples should have an accountability system for each other, and yes, contrary to pop-psychology, we should be willing to change when our spouse tells us a particular behavior is hurtful and toxic. That’s part of the promise to love!

A marriage without accountability is dishonest and opens up to all kinds of manipulations. I’m not suggesting we need a “parenting” mode in marriage, which would be demeaning; what I’m suggesting is that a marriage should contain an element of mutual accountability. Dishonest marriage partners utterly dislike the concept of accountability, but like any partnership, professional or personal, accountability keeps behavior honest.

At the end, all of life can be summarized in this statement:

“Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.”—Henry Ford

Trust is the most foundational block of any relationship. Trust is involved in all the basic elements of a healthy relationship: namely, love (respect and consideration for another person), communication, commitment and honesty. Without trust you may get feelings, you may get the high of the “moment,” you may get patience and tolerance but nothing will provide the strength and the solidity you need for a lasting relationship as trust. Why? Because the root of trust is WHAT YOU BELIEVE about the other person. And your BELIEF about the other person is the accumulation of experiences that have either affirmed or corroded the original commitment or promise. And let me hasten to say that TRUST is not just about big promises and commitments. It could just be the other person’s body language, the eyes or an air of authenticity. Have you ever felt like you are in the presence of a person for the first time and you find yourself saying “Somehow I trust this person with my tummy?” Trust is born in the way the other person register in our TRUST radar. Finally what you come to believe about another person is what directs your behavior and actions towards that person. So, trust is critical to the dynamics of any relationship, whether is a business, politics, a working environment, marriage, family or friendships.

When you have believed something about a person and that person has broken your “trust” in that belief, there isn’t a whole lot left.

Take marriage for example. The promise to stay married until “death do, us apart” is a serious promise. You trust that person. Would you marry if you wouldn’t trust? When divorce happens, what makes you think that the person who broke the promise with you is trustworthy of anything else later on? The tacit promise parents make to raise their children to the best of their ability when they bring them into the world is a serious one. What makes you think children will trust you as a parent, when you did not do your best to absorb information about good parenting and depended on God to be a good role model to them? Cheating, lying, gossip, “backstabbing,” disloyalty, miscommunication or the lack of it, dishonesty, not paying money back, not being on time, an unreturned to call, are all promises that once broken change the level of trust someone has placed on you. Trust is broken by changing the belief system another person has about you.

Now, I know we have all broken promises. I have broken many promises, many times and it hurts me in the pit of my stomach when I realize I miserably failed so many times and have let so many people down. So this article is not from a guy that has never lost trust from people but about someone who realizes what happened and took steps to recover the trust I lost when I failed.

Let me say it again: You can regain the trust you lost. That is, if the other person has a good heart towards you. First, you need to accept four basic principles and then follow that understanding with massive ACTION to regain the trust from the person whose trust you betrayed.

FOUR PRINCIPLES

1. When you let someone down and betray their trust you have actually betrayed yourself first and foremost all. Further more, that’s the first person you must work with: YOURSELF! You must come to terms with your own failure, your own humanity. What happened? Why did it happen? Was an accident or is that a pattern of your character? Proud people stumble on this first one and simply can not do it!

2. When you let someone down and betray their trust you must acknowledge you did it and that will hurt your pride. If you are not ready to be humble and talk to the person whose trust you betrayed, you are not ready to regain trust from that person.

3. When you let someone down and betray their trust it’s going to take time and effort to recover it. It will not happen instantly. This is one of the greatest challenges “betrayers” face. They usually want to “just move on.” They want instant gratification. It just doesn’t happen that way!

4. When you let someone down and betray their trust, in spite of what you may do to regain their trust you should be ready to possibly be rejected and you may never regain the lost trust again. In that case it is out of your hands, even if it hurts! What kicks in here is character: you did the right thing and your heart is right. Move on being the good person you are!

FIVE STEPS TO REGAIN TRUST IN YOURSELF AND FROM OTHERS YOU HAVE BETRAYED

1. Admit your mistake or the way you hurt the other person

This is the most difficult step in re-building trust. Address the issue that caused the loss of trust head on. If it was you not cherishing your spouse, or treating your marriage as a sacred trust, or lying, or mistreating the other person, or not fulfilling a promise… whatever… address the issue and ask forgiveness. Asking forgiveness for some vague, stupid unrelated behavior will be considered by the offended person as one more step into the destruction of trust! It’s simply insulting. My recommendation? If you have betrayed someone’s trust, don’t talk to that person until you understand what you did wrong and you are ready to deal with it honestly. Admitting your mistake honestly is not something you do to “move on” with “your” life; it’s something you do to re-establish a broken relationship, to reconcile and regain that person’s trust, which is a big issue; regaining trust is not about “your” own selfish pain!

2. Change

Nothing rebuilds trust faster than doing what the other person will perceive as you having changed! Whatever you did to betray another person’s trust needs to be changed! This is a no brainer. You want to create a trusting environment with the person you betrayed. Share specifically what your plan of action is to regain that person’s trust. Ask that person to hold you accountable to your promised changes. Believe me, if you are being honest and the other person has a heart, he/she will love you for it. There is nothing more refreshing and affirming than to know that someone cares for you so much that they are willing to change what hurts you!

3. Share honest information

Information is power. This is the number one trust builder. Most situations I have faced where trust has been betrayed are directly connected to lack of communication, lack of information, lies and cover-up stories. If you are afraid, say so. If you made a wrong move, tell the truth. If you fail, admit to it. If you are guarding “privileged information” and your relationship depends on the other person knowing what’s going on, be brave and say it. Information makes the other person feel like “we are in this together.” Withholding information when it’s due to the other person is one of the most painful forms of betrayal. Be straightforward and honest. If you are trying to regain your spouse’s trust, open up about finances, time management, the people you meet, your appointments and your whereabouts. The more information you provide the better it is.

4. Share yourself with the other person as a team player not as a victim

A “win-win” situation is difficult to obtain when you have betrayed someone’s trust, but it is possible in time. Just remember one thing… The person you betrayed knows you and he/she will not accept external, superficial changes. That person is your worst and most vociferous critic because you hurt him/her, and you better know if you heart is changed or not before you play the “game.” What’s the classic statement of a victim? “I did it because…” A victim’s fingerprint is: BLAME, JUSTIFY AND EXPLAIN. A non-victim person assumes responsibility for his/her deed and seeks reconciliation with the other person because he/she needs him/her in a relationship.

5. Be consistent

If you betrayed your spouse’s trust, focus on being consistent and following steps 1-4 steadily. It may take more than one conversation. It may take time for the other person to observe you and realize that you are “walking the talk.” If you betrayed your bosses trust, focus on being consistent in building your trust level. The same applies to your children, relatives and friends. “Walking the talk” is what builds trust again.

Though the idea behind following these steps is to regain the trust of someone you betrayed or let down, ultimately, doing what’s right (admitting you’re wrong and CHANGING) is for your own sake and the core of your character. Good people don’t only do good things to get results. They also do the right thing because they know that at the end the greatest reward is looking at themselves in the mirror and knowing they are authentic and honest. That’s what brings the greatest happiness in this life and that’s what it means to live in THE LIFE ZONE!

If you are dealing with a tricky situation and you want to regain your spouse’s or children’s trust, be careful! Don’t rush into it, don’t postpone it forever, and don’t expose your “laundry” irresponsibly. That may be the beginning of your honest journey but the end of your relationship with that person forever. Irresponsible honesty hurts, responsible honesty heals! What’s the difference? You do it for the other person and considering the greater picture. Many times a person from the outside can help you with perspective, timing and the mode in which you will journey towards regaining lost trust. I can coach you on the best steps to regain trust without destroying what you have. Call me at 1-888-MY ZONE 2 (699-6632) or write to me at: info@lifezonelive.com

This research appears on the backdrop of rising divorce rates, (close to 50% of marriages and 75% of second marriages, end up in divorce in the US) and a majority single population in the US for the first time in history (51%).

The failing of marriages and the fear of marriage happens to be impacting the environment. Isn’t that interesting? The increasing numbers of singles fearing the commitment of marriage and divorcees creates more households with lower number of people. Not hard to understand that more singles and fragmented families take up more living space, including parking, use of highways, along with higher usage of energy and water. The number of rooms per person in divorced households is 33% to 95% greater than in married households. A refrigerator, for example, uses roughly the same amount of energy whether it belongs to a family of four or one parent and a child. Yu and Liu estimate that in the United States (U.S.) in 2005, divorced households spent 46% and 56% more on electricity and water per person than married households. I knew it! I always said it was a good idea for couples to take showers together! Divorced households in the U.S. could have saved more than 38 million rooms, 73 billion kilowatt-hours of electricity, and 627 billion gallons of water in 2005 alone if their resource-use efficiency had been comparable to married households. Not only that American spend an extra $3.6 billion annually on water as a result of the extra households created when people divorce. Wow!

We are now coming to find out that this is not just a problem in the United States. It is happening around the world. The number of houses is increasing in England by something like 15 million over 10 years at current trends, while population is going nowhere. In other words we are seeing a housing boom, but not a population boom. Why? Divorce. You hear of a new one every week. Also, perpetual singleness, i.e. unwillingness to marry. And then even worse are married couples who live apart. For what reason? I am so sick of hearing people saying that their former husband or wife is a wonderful person, great parent and the classic one… “We are still friends.” Well, why in the world didn’t you keep the friendship going as a marriage? Did you have to subject innocent kids to a “friendly divorce”? Just mind-boggling!

Even in places like China with more strict rules on divorce, personal commitments are not being kept and those policies are being ignored. Divorce rates are rising, leading to a profound assault on the environment because a married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household.

So, here is my thought on this matter. Marriage is not just about personal responsibility and commitment to our children, community and the families of origin; it is also about our environment. Marriage as a life-time commitment makes sense. Maybe, it’s high time we recognize that breaking a life commitment while trying to be “good” in another area is inconsistent. Perhaps, saving a marriage and making love to the person you made a promise to for life is a good idea if for no other reason than keeping the cost of heating down, the consumption of energy and the selfish use of resources that belong to the whole planet and our children!

*The original research can be found at: http://www.pnas.org/cgi/content/abstract/0707267104v1

On November 11, 2007, during a CNN interview, Wolf Blitzer confronted Armitage with a pretty harsh tape of Mrs. Plame calling his actions “foolish and irresponsible.” In a refreshing display of honesty and accountability, Armitage agreed with his accuser. “She’s absolutely right,” he said.

Wow! A truly rare, but refreshing occurrence of honesty, in the midst of a media and political circus atmosphere. In this case, it enhanced Armitage’s credibility and public image because he was willing to tell the truth.

Outright lies, reality spins, twisted half-truths and deceptive comments are what we have all grown accustomed to get from political figures, government officials, celebrities, high pay attorneys and divorce proceedings.

1. Why is it so hard for people to admit they’re wrong?

For many, it’s pure ego, pride and selfishness. Some would rather lose plausibility than to lose face. “Never appearing to be wrong or found to be wrong,” is the equivalent of “always being right.” Never being wrong gives them power and moral superiority, or at least the illusion of it! I have actually found out in dealing with people that some care more about themselves than about their own spouses, family, children, friends, country and God! I have seen atrocities committed by people who would rather appear right (in their own eyes)than to publicly admit they have been wrong. There are people, who have chosen in their inner souls, way before anything ever happened, that they would “never” be found wrong! So, they spend the rest of their lives trying to prove they are right! I have heard the stories of adult children telling me in the privacy of a coaching session, how a father had wronged them badly and he NEVER admitted to his wrong doing. “Never heard your dad saying, ‘I am sorry I was wrong?’” I asked, “Never!” I remember a daughter telling me how she had been abused sexually by her father for years; when she confronted him, years later, he denied the episode entirely! The debate as to why people lie and are dishonest due to personal insecurity, fear, behavior rooted in a shy personality, low self-esteem and the like becomes insulting to those they have offended and it’s cheap psycho-babble to confuse the real issue: plain selfishness, and pride. There is nothing else to it! In its extreme form the denial of wrong doing is evil caged in the inner most part of the heart.

For others, it’s about dodging the consequences of their conduct.

That’s why we lie. That’s why we are outright dishonest. We know our behavior and conduct would be subject to criticism, questioning, disapproval or, worst of all, civil and criminal liability. Some times I have asked a person who I coach, “Why are you cheating in your marriage? What good does it come out of it?” I get as many answers as you wish to imagine, but they all boil down to the same: “I don’t want to deal with the consequences of being honest!” Cheating on your spouse, cheating on your taxes, cheating on a test, lying to your family and friends are all about the same: instant gratification without paying the price of being honest.

Yes, it’s unethical to lie, but it isn’t irrational. The truth is self-incriminating and may or may not be used against you.

2. Here is a liberating truth: being or doing wrong is human! What is criminal and evil is obsessive wrong doing!

Why is it so hard to accept that being wrong is human? Because we have come to believe that others expect from us what we are not able to deliver. It’s called perfectionism. Our culture, ethical, religious and moral institutions make us believe that! Of course, there is a judicial system to deal with criminal behavior, misdemeanors and obsessive wrong doing. But even then, it’s better to admit to wrong doing and face the consequences of it than it is to be dishonest and become a prisoner of your own soul for the rest of your life! Take a look at Barry Bond of the San Francisco Giants. A hot button in the media and sport circles. Bond, the HR champion of all times, at the peak of his carrier, age 36 and admired by the world; what’s next? His likely disastrous fall will simply be due to arrogance, dishonesty and obsessive lying before his fans, the sport authorities and now the judicial system. Wow! How can someone be so foolish?*

In reality, being wrong is not an option; human imperfection is not an option. Soon or later you will be wrong if you have not been wrong 1001 times already, depending on how long you have been alive! Why not set that principle in your mind as a reality right now? You have been wrong many times, you will be wrong many times; YOU ARE HUMAN AND IMPERFECT! Free yourself from the fear of being wrong by admitting that you do and say wrong things. Practice honesty whenever you are confronted with truth. I promise you something: You will get better and better at it. You will not only feel more comfortable when people tell you are wrong but you will get better at admitting it and not only that… Get this one, you will be free from the need to dodge, justify, lie, cover-up or manipulate the truth and in the process you will noticed yourself committing less and less wrongs. It’s a magnificent principle! It is one of the most liberating experiences. You get better not by trying to be better but by being honest. That’s the core of a good heart! When you experience that kind of freedom you automatically move away from the labels of being a moral person, religious, born-again Christian, being legal, being a conservative, being politically-correct or whatever! You are just HUMAN and IMPERFECT, period. You do make mistakes but honesty changes your inner spiritual struggle.

3. Benefits of admitting you are wrong

• Spiritual and emotional freedom. Christ shared with his followers one of the universal laws of emotional freedom, “The truth shall make you free,” he said (John 8:32-The Bible). Robert Frost said the same in different words: “Freedom lies in being bold.” Honesty is a law like gravity is in the physical world! Once you boldly admit the truth of anything you experience emotional and spiritual freedom!

• Health benefits. Believe it or not there are health benefits to being honest. Your immune system and your body experience the freedom of honesty versus the stress of lying. David, the magnificent King of the ancient people of Israel lied about having sex with the wife of one of his army generals but then also strategized his murder in a cover-up operation. He shared later on how the “cover-up” and his dishonesty affected his body (Psalm 38-The Bible). A great example of psychosomatic illness caused by dishonesty. Living a dishonest life is like living in hell before hell! Honesty and health go together!
• Credibility. People tend to believe you in other areas when you are able to admit you are wrong in the areas where you are wrong! No big science behind this statement. While being wrong is human, being wrong and lying or being dishonest about it makes you unethical and questionable in all other areas of your life. The only ones that don’t understand this truism are the pathological liars. They live under the illusion that they can lie in one area and make the world believe they are credible in all the other areas.

• Character. Very often the “moralistic” type struggles with this issue the most. Character does not equal “being able to cover” your wrongs well! No money, looks, power, position or manipulative power can give you character. Character is what you are in the inner core of our soul. Character is the management of your own imperfection and the world around. Character always comes at a cost and the real test of character is admitting you are wrong when it’s likely to cost more than what you want to pay.

• Helping others. What? Yes! Admitting you are wrong is one of the healthiest ways to help others. And I am not talking here about the “Paris Hilton, or the Hollywood tabloid kind of “melodrama honesty” to make an extra buck with a book, or make it into the infamous TV ‘confession shows’.” I am talking about sincere, honest, character driven admitting that you are human and commit wrongs. People feel better about themselves and get better at admitting their own wrongs when they hear of someone else opening up, especially if you a role model to others. If you are a dad, a mom, a leader, a teacher, or in any capacity of influence the best legacy you can leave behind is to be honest and tell the truth. If you are married your marital conflicts will decrease if you learn to admit to being wrong. People will remember that and honor it. They will disrespect you for life as long as they know you have “explained” things away! This specially applies to the children of divorce parents. Children are eager to know the truth! Children deserve honesty in the midst of the undeserved pain caused by immature adults that are not able to get along or fulfill their marital promises. I have always said that being honest is one way to make the world a better place regardless of your own personal consequences.

• People are more willing to help you out when you admit you have been wrong! It doesn’t fail. Every time I have admitted to my wrong doing, people are ready to help me. Is it just me? I don’t think so. I have seen the same happen to many others recovering from lives of dishonesty, cheating, selfish lying and covering up.

4. Honesty will motivate you to do what’s right driven by freedom, rather than to be driven by your own efforts to do what’s right.

I hear it often. “I am trying to do what’s right!” I hear it from spouses that are trying to stay married, drug-addicts that are attempting to recover and religious people that are trying to do what they think God will smile at. “Trying” is the key word. It sounds to me like hard work! Can you see the face of “trying”? It almost sounds like being emotionally constipated! Excuse my example. Nothing says it better!

The freedom that comes from admitting that you are human and imperfect is translated into energy to do what’s right! It really works! Honesty is translated into energy to be good and avoid wrong doing!

I believe that when you simply accept the reality of being human and imperfect you take the first step into genuine freedom! The second step is to accept God as the source of perfection in the Universe. The third step is to accept that the perfect God of the Universe has the power to make you “perfect.” The final step is to embrace those three realities! That’s the moment when you not only experience Divine forgiveness, but capture the true essence of moral freedom. You suddenly have a new sparkle in your heart: a desire to do what’s best for you anyway. You suddenly see things from a different perspective. That’s what I call the power of spirituality. There is no substitute for a connection with God. The perfect God gives you direction, perspective, purpose, forgiveness, power to grow; the perfect God frees you from the inside out, from the curse of being human and imperfect, and turns you into a blessing to the world. It is so simple, yet so many people miss it.

5. Here is my final point…

You don’t need to join a “liars anonymous” or a “recovering dishonesty group” to learn to admit you are wrong! The benefits of being honest about your “wrongs” far outweighs the negative consequences of the reverse. You don’t need an English major to write an apology and say, “I was wrong!”. I have gotten letters in the past from people who have hurt me and I immediately know they had just been at a “recovery program” the week before! I am glad something worked for them, but those letters sound so “cover-upish”; like, “I have to ask forgiveness for offending you in order to move on with my life!” You know what? Make your admission of wrong a state of mind and heart first, before you just repeat something someone told you to do! Then, just do it! Let it come from the heart!

Practice honesty until it becomes natural to be honest. Doesn’t that have a good ring to it? It will be refreshing to your own soul and to the people who are connected to you.

*On Barry Bonds - Sports Illustrated/CNN

Here is the profile of the “porcupine” type of person or situation you may be facing:

• They are hard to embrace. They make you feel like walking away. No warmth, no intimate feelings!

• They poke you. They poke your ideas. They poke your enthusiasm. They poke your creativity. They poke your love. They poke your romanticism. They poke your fascination and curiosity. They poke your purpose and drive for a goal. They poke anything that resembles life and passion.

• “Porcupines” types tend to be loners. They won’t help you “become” anything. They will grudgingly help you if you ask them for assistance or it will take them forever to help you with a request. They are just not “into you”! Don’t expect encouragement or motivation from them.

• Since they are not “into you,” they will not help you resolve a conflict you may have with them. They will attack you if you want to resolve a conflict. There is no logic, reason or rhythm. It usually ends up being about you, not them, or “us.”

• They will seldom say, “I am sorry!” They don’t see themselves as players with you.

• “Porcupines” are negative and “needy” by nature. They are critical, and their natural first response to anything you bring up is “no”! They see the negative side of everything. Because they are into self, they may become affirming if YOU make them feel really comfortable. (Great chance for you to deal with your own selfishness, right?)

Here is my take on relating to the “porcupine” type of person or a situation that resembles a “porcupine.” I know it’s hard to bloom around “porcupines”! (Your enthusiasm gets blown away) It is hard to dance with “porcupines.” (There is no partnership) It’s hard to love a “porcupine.” (Intimacy and a sense of belonging) It’s difficult to just relax and have a good time with a “porcupine.” (Too much competitiveness to relax and have fun)

I understand. But you can be strategic about “porcupines” and actually use their presence in your life to grow and become the STAR quality kind of person you were meant to be. Here is how:

• Make sure you have defined your purpose, direction, goals and the compass of your life. “Porcupines” will push you to define your destination if you have refused to do it on your own. Most people define their role in a negative way. Like, “how can I get rid of this person?” Then divorce, the breaking of the relationship or avoidance follows. You can actually use their presence in your life to ask yourself the question of all questions: “What’s my purpose in this life? What am I here for? What’s my purpose in this person’s life?” In the second that took you to ask that question you suddenly jumped into a quantum moment: It’s not about you any longer! Get it? It’s a magnificently powerful strategy!

• Be yourself in spite of their toxic comments, behavior or attitudes. Always be yourself! Don’t let them intimidate you.

• Listen to them. They will tell you what your friends will never tell you. They are heartless. “Swallow the bitter pill” knowing that your pride will suffer a beating but at the end you will be better if you absorb what you can use from their response to you.

• Always look at a “porcupine” in the eye, figuratively speaking. Don’t run away from them. They will follow you.

• Understand that they will test your determination without intending to. Use their presence, words and behavior like the wind to mobilize your sails. Learn to sail! Learn the strategy to use the wind for your benefit instead of analyzing the wind and deciding how to protect yourself from it!

• Let them stimulate your creativity and keep sailing.

• Let their presence in your life make you stronger in your inner world. You are what you believe.

• Use the experience with “porcupines” to learn how to “shut up” and be kind to someone you are not comfortable with. Most people, except “politicians,” don’t know how to be nice to a toxic, prickly person!

• Use “porcupine” types as a preview of what others may think and not tell you. There are a lot of “caustic-passive” people that will never tell you what they think about you and your ideas. The “porcupine” type will tell you before you even ask! Take advantage and get ahead of the game. “Porcupines” are very helpful in giving you “negative hints” as you start a new venture, getting married, or making an adventuresome move. (Use their negative hints to see what others don’t see) Remember, most people who support your good and bad moves (the nice type) are not around to help you out when you are in trouble. And that is the truth! Say what you may about “porcupines” they are passionate about “poking” you! Your goal would be to find equally passionate people that will affirm your life and love you positively. If you don’t have those people look for them and nurture those relationships like your life depends on it!

• Love the “porcupine.” Yes, love them! Love is not always a feeling. Many times it’s just action! Listening and showing appreciation without expecting anything from them is the best way to love them. They are lonely, hurt people wearing a mask. Though they may never say it, you may actually impact their lives in an unpredictable way. I remember of someone many years ago that was distinctively a “porcupine.” He literally put me through “hell.” I decided to treat him with respect and be myself in spite of his caustic responses to me. Years later at his funeral I heard from his wife how I had impacted his life. I would have never imagined it!

You were meant to be a STAR in God’s Universe! Set your eyes on becoming a successful person. Find the purpose of your life and live it out! No one should control the outcome of anything in your life except YOU! People and circumstances can serve as stumbling blocks or stepping stones. For the weak of character and convictions, “porcupines” are usually stumbling blocks. Their dreams, hopes and aspirations end there, destroyed and terminally poked by the “porcupine.” For the brave, for the one that seeks authentic success, for the purposeful person, the “porcupines” of life ALWAYS become stepping stones to success and renewal. Washington Irving once said, “Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.”

Here are some examples of people who faced “porcupines” and used them to advance their ultimate success in life. They all became STAR quality people.

• John Milton wrote Paradise Lost 16 years after losing his eyesight.

• 27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss’s first book, To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.

• Van Gogh sold only one painting during his life. And this to the sister of one of his friends for 400 francs (approximately $50). This didn’t stop him from completing over 800 paintings.

• Charlie Chaplin was initially rejected by Hollywood studio chiefs because his pantomime was considered “nonsense.”

• Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.

• When Bell telephone was struggling to get started, its owners offered all their rights to Western Union for $100,000. The offer was disdainfully rejected with the pronouncement, “What use could this company make of an electrical toy.”

• Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he succeeded.

• R. H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York City caught on.

• Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs for being “non-productive.” As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

• Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was “sub-normal,” and one of his teachers described him as “mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams.” He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.

Okay! So much for “porcupines,” difficult people, painful circumstances and challenges. Do you get the picture? You can become the STAR quality person you were meant to be if you chose to use the stumbling blocks of your life as stepping stones for growth and success!