The Secret to Long Lasting Relationships

Someone sent me this story a week ago. I inquired about the source of the story but was not able to find it.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except for the fact that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man finally took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it at her request, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. Surprised, he asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue irrationally. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, instead of venting my anger, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times

in all those years of living and loving. He burst with emotions of surprise at the thought of how much he had pleased his wife all those years.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the two dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

I smiled when I read this story. There is great wisdom to be learned from this old couple as well as some reflection on the strategies that keep a marriage or relationship healthy “for life.”

Hiding positive emotions is not a good strategy for a healthy relationship but learning to control negative emotions is! Anger is positive when it is used as a warning signal of something that hurts. Anger used as a mode of attacking another person is always negative. Feeling humiliated can be positive as a signal that you must do something about your condition. What you do with the feelings of humiliation is what may create negativity and toxicity. Having a need to share a concern with someone else to learn their take on it and gain wisdom is positive. Sharing a concern in the spirit of “gossip” is toxic.

So, the question is this: How do you know when it’s time to “crochet a doll”? We seem to have lost the sense of direction in this area. We have been conditioned by our culture to just vent everything. We often hear people saying, “say what you think,” “don’t deny your feelings,” “don’t repress anything,” and though there is some truth to it, much damage is made by emphasizing the unrestrained venting of negative emotions. How do you know when it’s time to “shut up” or “speak up?” Here is the answer: When you know someone’s heart will be broken by your “venting.” How do you know?: When you stop yourself long enough to THINK! That’s the key! Impulsive, reactive people seldom stop long enough to THINK! And the closer the relationship is, like marriage and immediate family, the more difficult it is to THINK when we feel like venting and reacting.

Very often it is wise to “crochet a doll” in a moment of anger and wait until the impulse is under control. Many times what creates conflict in a marriage is not the nature of the argument but the lack of restrain on the part of the angry person or the one being confronted. Waiting for the right moment to share a feeling of frustration is a virtue. Learning to hear without reacting is a virtue. Restrain of negative emotions is a good habit to cultivate in a marriage and any relationship.

There are 3 components to the formation of any habit:

1. ACT: In this case, this is the ACTION of restraining the venting of negative emotions.

2. THINK: In this case, this is THINKING of the other person first instead of your own pleasure.

3. REPEAT: REPEAT the ACT as many times as necessary until it becomes a NATURAL RESPONSE! That’s what a habit is. It works for good and bad habits.

Try it! “Crochet more dolls” when you feel like venting negative emotions. React less and listen more! It will change your relationships forever. And most likely you will enjoy people more and they will love you for the peaceful times they have with you.