The Quest for Happiness in Marriage

Each person walking on the face of this planet is looking for happiness. It would be insane to reject the option. The problem is that we keep looking for it as if it is something to be “acquired” or “purchased” for ourselves. We look at other people who appear to have everything and think they are happy.

What is happiness, after all? It seems that happiness is often like a myth, a fairy tale. Is it possible that so many people are unhappy? Or is the label of “happiness” deceiving and elusive at best? Everyone talks about it, everyone dreams about it, everyone aims at it, but apparently very few achieve it.

In a recent research done for my company, “Family Zone, Inc.,” we discovered that out of 1,000 married women called randomly across the country, 87% confessed to the fact that they were unhappy in their marriages. Men just hung up the phone when they got the call!

I was coaching one woman through a troubled marriage when all of a sudden she burst into tears and said, “I’ve got to get out of this marriage. I’ve got to find happiness for me. This is not working. I have given 23 years of my life to this marriage, and now it’s time for me! I gave so much, thinking someone would care! Now it’s time for me. Me is all that matters now.” She was physically shaking with emotion and pent-up anger. The path from a troubled marriage to personal happiness is not so simple, is it?

It’s quite common for people immersed in an unhappy marriage to think that happiness is just on the other side of divorce. The irony of it all is that happiness is a life quest. When we are children, we’ll be happy when we grow up. When we grow up, we’ll be happy when we drive. When we drive, we’ll be happy when we are done with school. When we are done with school, we’ll be happy when we make money. When we make money and are still single, we’ll be happy when we meet someone. Once we’re married and we face conflict, we think we’ll be happy when we’re single again.

But deep down in your soul you know you can’t be happy alone. That’s the paradox of happiness. In the midst of your conflictive marriage you dream of another relationship that will make you happy, because your life is meant to be part of another life. We were not created to be alone. That’s the reason why people divorce and just as quickly “fall” into another relationship. We were created to be in relationship.

If you focus on YOUR happiness, happiness will elude you and will most likely ruin your commitment to marriage. The pursuit of happiness usually leaves in its wake a trail of wounded people, split families, bleeding hearts, unfulfilled dreams, and “things” that don’t create happiness anyway! But if you focus on your marriage, you’ll find happiness for yourself. In other words, being happy is not the result of you trying to be happy or selfishly seeking to be happy. It’s the consequence of you creating a successful marriage with your spouse.

Pursuing happiness is like good sex. Research shows that the more you focus on having good sex, the more good sex eludes you. The key to good sex is good physical conditioning and a deep emotional connection. “Good sex” based on drugs, pornography, toys, instant gratification, “being in love,” and a variety of partners dies in a short period of time. In other words, good sex is not something you pursue; it’s something that ensues.

It’s the same with your happiness. It’s not something you pursue; it’s a natural result from efforts that transcend yourself. In other words, happiness is about character, courage and deep spirituality. The hardest time to focus on your marriage is when you’re frustrated with your spouse. I know that! You’d rather turn inward. But if you do, you’ll narrow your existence. You’ll close yourself in. You’ll shield your pain. You will become emotionally inaccessible to your spouse. You’ll most likely grow bitter. And you’ll also turn your back on your only hope: the hope to have the terrific marriage you dreamed of having when you first met your spouse!

You’ve got to turn around and face the darkness in your life. The key to most marital circumstances is endurance. If it took years to get into your mess, it’s going to take more than a couple of weeks to get out of it. I was a marathoner for several years and I knew that mile 18 was the key testing point to my endurance. I knew that once I passed the magic mile 18, enduring was the only way to attain my goal and reach mile 26!

One of my favorite thinkers and noted psychiatrists of our time, Dr. M. Scott Peck says, “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” This may be your moment! Don’t miss it. As a relationship coach and in my own personal journey, I have found that our most profound growth occurs when we experience the most intense pain and unhappiness. That’s the moment to turn to your spouse and choose to pour your attention, devotion and heart into him/her.

Doing what’s right always creates happiness, though it’s not easy. Doing what’s right always creates positive results, even if it looks dark for a while. I watch people who have chosen to do what’s right over their feelings and emotions; in time they become invigorated and energized. With sadness I also watch people choosing to do what’s wrong; in time they become emotionally flat, self-consumed and unable to give their best to their marriages and love ones.

If you’re ready to devote yourself to becoming a better spouse and fixing your marriage, then do the following:

• Join my website, “LifeZoneLive.com”. I want to help your marriage not only to make it but also find the love you want for your relationship.

• Whatever you do, don’t quit on your marriage! Divorce is seldom the answer unless disruptive, physically harmful kind of behavior is taking place, in which instance you need to contact the authorities for your own protection. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is problematic. When you live with someone in close proximity you are bound to have problems and face conflict. Yes, marriage sucks at times! But, is divorce really the answer? In most instances, I don’t believe so! I believe in marriage as a life-time commitment, am committed to saving CHILDREN from the emotional abuse they face when parents divorce, and I AM COMMITTED TO COACHING YOU INTO TAKING ACTION STEPS TO FIND LOVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE.

• If you need immediate assistance, I will be more than glad to coach you over the phone in the privacy of your own home. Call me at 1-888-MYZONE2 (699-6632); leave me a message, and the best time to call you back. I will set-up an appointment with you and walk you through your own set of action steps. Or if you prefer to write to me just use the website address and your private e-mail will be directed to me.

“There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life — happiness, freedom, and peace of mind — are always attained by giving them to someone else.” (Peyton Conway March)