Forgiveness: It Works!

Have you ever traveled standing on your feet in a crowded bus or train? You are most likely to step onto someone’s toe soon or later, right? Marriage is like that! Because you are in close proximity and spend so much time with each other, sooner or later you will step on your spouse’s toe and, “ouch!”… does it hurt!

Chances are that you have stepped on your spouse’s toes multiple times the longer you have been married. And some of the hurts are serious and deep. Many couples carry scars from past experiences that seem totally beyond repair. Yet, in most cases, I believe you can move on and end up BETTER than ever before!

I know what you are thinking! Harold is crazy!!! Better? It will never be as good as it was before we hurt each other so badly! It will never be like BEFORE! Twenty years of pain? BETTER? Like it was before the twenty years of repeated injuries?

YES! It CAN be better! It CAN be better than your last 30 years of marriage. It CAN be better than your honeymoon! It CAN be better than anything you have ever known! I promise! I give you my word.

It CAN be better! You just have to forgive and be forgiven.

What does it REALLY mean to forgive?

I heard Cristina say, “I forgive him.” But I knew from the tone of her voice and her body language that she continued to harbor anger in her heart and mind. I probed my perception by asking her a question, “What do you feel now that you have said, ‘I forgive him’?” She looked at me with contained anger in her eyes and said, “It means I forgive him. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” She had forgiven in words, but her heart was still harboring anger and resentment.

There is a difference between FORGIVING and REALLY FORGIVING.

When we FORGIVE, we usually shut down the barrage of accusations and hurtful behavior against the offender. The popular advice of “forgive and forget” completely misses the point. Forgetting, in psychological language is called “repression.” When something is “repressed,” it just lingers in the dark shadows of the unconscious along with all the emotions associated with it. As long as those emotions, such as anger, are brewing secretly in the unconscious, genuine forgiveness remains impossible.

When we REALLY FORGIVE we acknowledge the hurt. We acknowledge the human condition as being imperfect. We deal with the anger and the resentment. We then let go, by an act of the will, of all the negative, toxic emotions, the judgment and the guilt against the offender. Then, we reconnect and restore what is lost!

There is a huge difference between FORGIVING and REALLY FORGIVING. “No-sweat-forgiveness” tries to forget and move on. True forgiveness chooses to let go of the toxicity created by the offense-offender and RESTORES the connection with the offender.

Look at the word “FORGIVE”… The word actually tells you what it means to FORGIVE. “For-Give”… It means to “GIVE” as you did “beFORE.” It means to restore the flow of GIVING as you did BEFORE the hurt. A profound spiritual transaction happens between two people that really forgive each other. Giving is not natural after someone hurt us. Anger and revenge is. Forgiving is not natural! That’s the meaning of true forgiveness! When you GIVE of yourself like you did before you were hurt, then you know you have forgiven. When you stand as close to your spouse as you stood the day he/she stepped on your toe and hurt you badly; that’s REAL FORGIVENESS!

It’s not easy to REALLY FORGIVE! I know! Sometimes it feels like it’s next to impossible. But it’s possible when you choose to do what’s right for the relationship and yourself.

When you choose to REALLY FORGIVE, you become stronger! The marriage becomes better than it was before. You almost become happy (in a twisted way), because you realize that you would have never achieved the love you experience now without the hurt as your catalyst.

Did you know that when a broken bone heals, it’s stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be STRONGER than before things broke down between you and your spouse IF you forgive.

Here is the “LIFE ZONE” formula to REAL FORGIVENESS…

• FORGIVENESS IS NOT A FEELING. IT’S A CHOICE. When your spouse hurts you and you feel the pain of that hurt, you can CHOOSE to forgive as an act of the will. It’s simple, but it may take time! Your mind is powerful when you use your freedom of choice. You may experience relapses time after time. Be patient with yourself. Keep making the choice!

• When you CHOOSE to forgive you are also free to CHANGE your BEHAVIOR. You are able to let go of your anger progressively and also feel free to show affection to your spouse.

• When you change your BEHAVIOR, the ENVIRONMENT of your relationship changes and you suddenly UNDERSTAND how vulnerable you and your spouse are.

• That state of VULNERABILITY allows for a tremendous flow of FEELINGS; positive feelings that are way better than the feelings of “new love.”

My son Hansel is 13. It was time to take the Christmas decorations down. The plan had been set in motion. He would be a part of the “dismantling” team. At the last minute he thought no one would miss him, so he disappeared. I called him twice. He came downstairs with an “attitude.” I talked to him firmly, and I also raised my voice. A minute later I caught myself! “Not a good role model for my boy,” I said to myself. I went looking for him. I stood by his side and I said, “Hey, Hansel… I raised my voice when I told you to help and that was wrong. Would you forgive me?” He said, “Yes.” We embraced and I saw our relationship restored. He forgave me! How did I know it? Because he was willing to hug me. He restored his connection with me by the simple act of forgiveness. I know!

How do you compare that experience with 15, 20 or 30 years of hurt and conflict? The same way! Except it may take longer, and you may need the intervention of someone that understands how to help you find resolution. But the process is the same. The results are the same. Forgiveness: It works! It always works! It makes you a better person even if you don’t accomplish what you want.